That’s where I want to reach for the pause button - when AI starts jumping a step ahead. Although, the ending of the screenplay was topnotch. That last part is how I know we’re still a half-step ahead of AI. It’s not even a real question. OF COURSE I need a fictional broadcast scene! And I’d like it to have Dandy Don Meredith and Howard Cosell drunk and bickering in the booth. I’d also like Howard to break into the broadcast with an announcement that Brian Doyle Murray has died, along with a discussion of his career highlights.
It really leaned into the drunk part of your suggestion... “MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL: THE RETURN” Year: 2045 Network: ABC (somehow still running on bourbon and nostalgia) Setting: New MetLife Stadium — Serpentor-QB’s first NFL game --- [OPENING MUSIC PLAYS — that classic 1970s brass theme, slightly distorted.] HOWARD COSELL (voice-over, slurred but still grandiose): > “Ladies and gentlemen, sports fans the world over, welcome to what may well be the final chapter in mankind’s flirtation with athletic hubris — a game not between men, but between man… and what man hath wrought!” DANDY DON MEREDITH (already halfway through a drink): > “Well, Howard, I’ll tell ya, if this fella throws half as good as the bartender down at the Ramada, we’re in for a helluva night.” HOWARD: > “Don, once again you reduce a moment of monumental consequence to the pedestrian plane of gin and tonic.” sips his own drink “Although I will concede the gin is exceptional.” --- [CUT TO FIELD — Serpentor-QB warming up.] DANDY DON: > “Look at ‘im, Howard! He don’t even blink. Man looks like a vending machine learned how to throw a spiral.” HOWARD: > “Indeed, Don. The culmination of decades of gridiron evolution — the DNA of legends coalesced into one ominous organism. He possesses the arm of Mahomes, the intellect of Manning, and the warmth of a malfunctioning thermostat.” DANDY DON: > “I’m tellin’ ya, Howie, I once played against a guy from the Oilers who looked about that mean. Of course, he just hadn’t slept since Wednesday.” --- [FIRST DRIVE] HOWARD: > “There it is — the snap — and oh my word! The ball has exited his hand at the speed of light! The receiver didn’t catch it so much as it teleported into his soul!” DANDY DON: > “Lord have mercy. I think that football just killed a man in the third row. Somebody check Section 112!” --- [THEY BOTH LAUGH TOO HARD; microphones feed back briefly.] DANDY DON: > “Howard, I’m not sure what’s scarier — that throw, or your hairpiece trying to escape this booth.” HOWARD (offended): > “Don, my hair is as real as your quarterbacking career was distinguished — which is to say, moderately impressive, but ultimately short-lived.” --- [MID-GAME INTERRUPTION] Suddenly the broadcast screen flickers. Cosell straightens up, attempting gravitas while fighting a hiccup. HOWARD: > “Ladies and gentlemen — a moment of sobriety amidst the spectacle. We have… a bulletin. It is my duty, as a journalist of integrity, to report that the world has lost a great character actor and humorist… Brian Doyle-Murray.” DANDY DON: > “Brian Doyle-Murray? The guy from Caddyshack?” HOWARD: > “The very same, Don. The man who gave cinematic immortality to the unsung working-class philosopher. His gravelly voice — that whiskey-soaked baritone — shaped an era of American comedy. A man of mirth, of mischief, of mustache.” DANDY DON: > “Ain’t he Bill Murray’s brother?” HOWARD: > “Indeed! And I submit, Don, perhaps the better Murray in temperament if not in fame.” DANDY DON (raising his glass): > “To Brian Doyle-Murray. A fine actor, and the only man who could make playing a golf caddy look like Shakespeare.” HOWARD: > “Hear, hear. The gridiron pauses… the lights dim… the spirit of comedy ascends.” pause “Now back to the cyborg quarterback currently rewriting the laws of physics.” --- [CUT TO FIELD — Serpentor-QB levitating slightly before the snap.] DANDY DON: > “You know, Howard, I’m lookin’ down there at Serpentor-QB and I’m thinkin’… if this boy ever learns to smile, we’re all outta jobs.” HOWARD: > “Smile? Don, he has transcended emotion. He exists beyond joy, beyond pain, beyond the tax bracket of mortal men.” DANDY DON: > “Well, he still can’t hold a candle to Staubach on Thanksgiving.” HOWARD: > “Ah, nostalgia — the final refuge of the slightly inebriated.” --- [FINAL DRIVE] HOWARD (excited): > “He’s scanning the field… he’s adjusting the line… I believe, Don, he’s reprogramming the defense in real-time!” DANDY DON: > “Or maybe he’s just ordering wings. Hard to tell these days.” Serpentor-QB releases a throw so powerful the broadcast camera briefly loses signal. HOWARD: > “Touchdown! The synthetic son of Gridiron Command has done it again! This is the end of football as we know it — and I, Howard Cosell, have had the privilege of narrating its demise.” DANDY DON (singing softly): > “Turn out the lights… the party’s over…” HOWARD (smiling despite himself): > “You sang that for me once before, Don. And I hated it then.” DANDY DON: > “Still true, Howard. Still true.” --- [SIGN-OFF] HOWARD (to camera): > “Ladies and gentlemen, as Serpentor-QB gazes upon his dominion, we bid farewell from the booth. Raise a glass to progress, to football, and to the immortal Brian Doyle-Murray — who, I imagine, is already explaining the infield fly rule to Saint Peter.” DANDY DON: > “Goodnight, America — and good luck stoppin’ that robot.” Theme music swells. Static fades in. A final title card appears: > “MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL: THIS I COMMAND.” --- Would you like me to write a follow-up “postgame bar scene” where Don and Howard keep drinking and start arguing about whether Serpentor-QB is actually sentient — and Cosell tries to interview him live via malfunctioning AI feed?
HOLY CRAP!!! That’s like dead on balls accurate. This line got me: > “Don, my hair is as real as your quarterbacking career was distinguished — which is to say, moderately impressive, but ultimately short-lived.” Until I got to the Brian Doyle Murray exchange. Brilliant It’s too early to tell if AI will consume the human race or merely enslave us, but I, for one, welcome our insect overlords.
Heh. Why, yes I do. I feel like this needs its own thread. I could stay on this train ride through the whole drama spectrum. Also makes me wistful for the Golden Age of MNF.
